FIYAGATARI

成長所帶來的痛苦，隨著年齡增長，我漸漸體會到了。以往，我有充分的理由自我陶醉。就算到達了自我中心過重、自以為是，目中無人的地步，都不見得是件問題。因為我還是小孩。「不懂事」這三個字足以蓋括及辯護我的一切過錯。

如今，這三個字已經在我生命中落伍了。再也沒有照顧我的能力，再也沒有幫我洗脫罪名的能力。上學、跟別人接觸、從學習中、從戀愛中、從是非之中、從紛爭中、逐漸發覺自己太多的思想與價值觀都並非正確。如此一來，內心產生了焦慮… 產生了許多壓力。

信心就像一個在漏氣的氣球，心情也一樣，在「洩氣」。這是挫折造成的嗎？這是受到群眾的壓力？任性的人是會被人隔離，被人杯葛的。最終，大家都爲了避免被隔離之苦，都願意去遵從社會所訂下來的「遊戲規則」。這些規則就是社會的刻板印象。它要你乖乖地讀書、乖乖地工作、乖乖地賺錢、乖乖地成為社會認定的「成功」人士。現在才發覺，我們爲了能夠在社會上生存，不惜地調節及改變自我形象… 犧牲了「真我」。

有時，不，是經常… 就像Robert Frost一樣，我希望能夠逃離這個星球。我跟他一樣有著許多幻想。幻想自己到了另外一個境界，一個清靜的世界，一個與世無爭的世界，在那裏過著安逸的生活。當然，有個情人陪我是更加理想了。畢竟我也是害怕孤獨的一份子。或許這是射手座的一種特征吧——自由主義者、浪漫主義者。差不多到了靈魂快要跑出來時，左腦袋就一定會殺出來，告訴我，吳小姐，請妳的「天馬行空」到此為止。好，我接受。一句「Earth’s the right place for love」讓我理解到我所承受的一切不愉快都只是用來反差出「愛」是多麽地美好。「痛」和「愛」一直是息息相關的。又或者說是Oxymoronic，只不過是人的自私把兩者串聯在一起罷了。我們愛的過程中，如果是痛苦的，那對我來說，根本就稱不上是「愛」。真正的愛應該是無私的。無私的愛是不會痛的。那痛是什麽呢？我也不大清楚… 可能是因為還著重著個人利益，覺得自己付出得不到回報，才會有「痛」的出現。很多時候「痛」的後遺癥是會使人產生憎恨與憤怒，可是，有時仔細想想，憎恨與憤怒只會給人帶來更多的不愉快… 是害人害己的一種愚蠢行為，最終只會令自己得不償失。這種時候該采取什麽行動呢？壓抑自己？發泄？就是這些思想給我帶來了更多煩惱，更多的內心掙紮… 一直都糾纏不清。

倒不如花時間讓自己昇華吧、這也是勉勵自己讀書的最佳理由。到時有了宏觀的眼界，你還會在意這些瑣碎的事情嗎？生命短暫呀，不要活在不愉快與矛盾之中了。

I’m having some battling rehearsal, or some people call it mock exams. So ya, I’ve been busy. 

I miss the times when I was a primary kid. Spending my time at my friends’ houses. I remember having a cow plushie, one that hug and sleep with every night. It absorbed most of my drooling and I believe it stinks … oh well an odor of mine lol. I bring that cow if I have to stay overnight at others’ house, because I simply couldn’t sleep without it… I wonder how’s the cow now, it’s like I suddenly miss it a lot. I miss the beans in his legs … I miss the big mouth of his face, I miss the horns that I always squeeze … All the parts of it, all the comfy feeling of hugging the cow, I remember. There used to be a boy that I always played with, once said that my cow smells and he refused to touch it, lmao. I felt depressed and said, it’s a lucky cow, if you touch it, you’ll be rich or something … and then it ended up like a catching game, with me protecting the cow from being touch and the others keep on chasing the cow trying to touch it. So funny hahaha. 

So cow, where are you now? Recycled? Or … burnt? Or maybe donated to some other kids and now you’re still being hugged by someone? 

Aren’t we the same age? So, why are you now already like a rich and successful business man with hot women surrounding you? 

Alright, you must be asking who the hell and I referring to. Hmmm, I don’t really know how to describe. He was my very first ‘boyfriend’, which our ‘relationship’ lasted only for like 1-2 days (which I forgot) and that time I was only primary 2, I surely didn’t know what love was. 

So you must be wondering how the hell did I ‘went out’ with him. I don’t know why, it’s like suddenly I remember it so clearly. It was like the first day of school, and he was appointed the class monitor, also, he sat behind me. Suddenly, he passed me a slip of paper and I unfolded it. “I love you, be my girlfriend.” was something he had written. For some reason, I nodded my head and he begun to follow me around the school, eating the same food I ordered, and even waited outside the washroom for me. 

I forgot what happened next. But just like any other couples who had broken up. We became enemies/strangers. Funny huh? I actually had my first ‘boyfriend’ at the age of 8. 

Why did he do that? It will be forever a mystery. Because I must be the only one in the world that remembers all these. 

Somehow I got to stalk his Facebook today and found out about his recent life. He has grown tall, really really tall. With girls all around him, which is predictable because he actually knew how to woo girls at such a young age. 

He isn’t handsome at all, but he seems to be cool. Someone who receives respect from people; which makes me kinda envy. 

Perhaps I’m just like anyone else. I like social-ling too. I would rather spend all my time talking to people I love than learning valuable knowledge. 

So hey dude, why are you enjoying your time flirting around, hanging out, having fun, while I’m stuck inside the study room burying my head into the ocean of books?

I hate how people could just go out so easily, while it takes years for me to decide whether I shall or not.

I just realize that I am so not feminine. The way I write is practical. The way I speak is most of the time straightforward, and probably rude. Maybe I should learn to be a little bit more graceful, and tactful like the other girls? Like what my form teacher said, it’s true that I’m quite naive sometimes. I somehow need to grow up and be more feminine …

I thought a day without homework would cheer me up. Wrong. One damn Ke$ha’s harold song got my head filled with the disgusting reality of love. Those stupid days when I spent all my time crying, staring at my love, flirting with others. All I wanted was attention. All I wanted was him to be back. That was the time when I would grab another guy’s hand without thinking how he feels. Yes, he was just a swimming buoy, I just wanted to escaped. I thought new love would heal my pain.

Yes, now when I am fully healed, when I have reviewed my mistakes, and changed, things doesn’t seem to go better. My honesty doesn’t bring me to anywhere I want. Still I’m suffering the same kind of pain. It’s like once you’ve dipped these horrible things, you are in danger. You no longer have the sovereignty to control your own feelings. Everything depends on the person you love. If he smiles to you, you’re happy, if he mocks at you, you’re straight to hell. I never want to be such a dependent person. It totally sucks to be in love, no matter how good your beau is.

And worst of all, it’s harem again. Harem harem harem. Dammit all.

I miss the times when we were close. When I could just call you right away, crying my heart out that how much it hurts to be heartbroken. Now all of you are gone, I’m left alone. (Or might as well say, I’m exhausted. There’s no vigor left for me to spill my sorrows. I can’t even push them out of my mind. That’s it!)

And people had heard enough of them anyway. Who loves a person who is cynical and complains about things that everyone is going through?